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For my WGS course, I read Judy Brady’s famous 1971 satire, “I Want a Wife,” which satirizes gender norms and was tasked, then, with coming up with my own satire that begins with, “I Want a ___.” Here is my attempt at it.

As a society, we need men to be the manliest of men, which means, if we are to construct the best society possible, we want a man that never shows emotion. Emotion is for women, you know, because they have hormones and periods, whereas men have testosterone, which is, well, also a hormone, but it’s the fuel center for our manliness. Men must realize that to show emotion — to allow a tear to traverse their cheek — is to ultimately be womanly. And we can’t have that. No. World leaders and corporate CEOs are men because men don’t have emotions. Men aren’t guided by emotions. Just plain, cool rationality.

We see what happens to women when they give into their emotions: they get angry and vindictive and bossy. Men, on the other hand, having abandoned emotion, are never angry or vindictive or bossy. If they’re violent or start wars, then it’s because of cold social and political calculation, not emotional decision-making.

There is no circumstance upon which man is free to show emotion. This weakens him permanently. This marks him. All thought to expressing emotion must be suppressed and kept inside. Let out any thought to venting that emotion by watching football or the UFC; you know, the pinnacles of manliness.

Who wouldn’t want to be a man? The ability to go through life without emotions, without crying, without showing any sign of instability or weakness.

Society can be great if men free themselves of the chains that bind women: the chains of emotion. Let them use their emotion to nurture our children, nurse our sick, teach our youth and care deeply for us and our suppressed emotions. We must stay away from such activities and vocations because it would likely mean showing emotion.

Therefore, the men, emotionless, will lead society forward.

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